i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
