A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
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