On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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