Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
