puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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