I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
