I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
