we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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