I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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