I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
