god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
