Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
