If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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