so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
