I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
