Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
