Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
