Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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