I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
