If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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