I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize