Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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