Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
