i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
