dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
