I like my sex mixed with concussions.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
