How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
