NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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