I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
