Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
