Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
