I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
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