if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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