I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
