just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
