this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
