That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
