I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
