i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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