Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
