My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
