The maid of honor just puked.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
