I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
