we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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