im about as happy as oj after his trial
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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