someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
