his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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