i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
