I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
