He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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