forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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