God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Send help, water and tortillas.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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