ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
